Long Island Family Law and Mediation Blog
Herkimer County is big enough to make the word “local” a little complicated for couples in search of a divorce mediation solution. It covers more than 1,400 square miles. A couple in Ilion and a couple near Old Forge can be dealing with the same divorce system while having a very different idea of what “meet at 2 p.m.” actually involves.
After more than twenty years in New York family law, I can definitely say I’ve lost any kind of sentimental attachment to traditional conference rooms. If we need ninety minutes to talk through a pension, a house, or a parenting schedule, I know plenty of couples that would rather spend those minutes on the actual problem, rather than driving, parking or planning around weather conditions.
After all, most divorces come with a lot to sort through. In Herkimer County, couples can find themselves untangling relationships that have gone on for shorter periods of times or for more than 20 years, which means covering everything from who gets the house, to retirement, maintenance, and parenting plans.
Virtual divorce mediation gives me a way to sit down with both spouses, pull up the real numbers, and start there. For a county as spread out as Herkimer, I think that makes a lot of sense.
Why Does Virtual Divorce Mediation Fit Herkimer County So Well?
Most of us remember when people treated online mediation like a temporary pandemic fix. Even back then, though, I didn’t expect it to disappear once things settled down. Once you’ve watched two people spend an hour discussing a parenting schedule from separate homes, without either of them losing another hour getting there and back, it’s hard to argue that the conference room itself was doing much useful work.
In Herkimer County, there are more than 1,400 square miles to cover, and the Census Bureau says the average worker already spends 25.7 minutes commuting each way. Most households are equipped for video meetings too: 88.3% had broadband subscriptions in the 2020–2024 Census estimates.
Online mediation isn’t some odd workaround locally, either. Herkimer sits in New York’s Fifth Judicial District, where Supreme Court matrimonial cases have access to ADR. A 2023 New York court procurement for Herkimer County Family Court went further and specifically asked providers to offer custody and visitation mediation in person and online.
That’s a separate court program from my private practice, of course, but I think it says something about how ordinary remote mediation has become. I still offer in-person mediation. Some couples prefer it. I also let couples combine the two formats. If sitting in the same room helps for one discussion and Zoom makes more sense for the next, I see no reason to force a ritual around it.
What Can Herkimer County Couples Resolve Virtually?
Choosing virtual divorce mediation rather than in-person sessions doesn’t really restrict what couples can discuss. Online, I tend to work through the same questions couples have in-person, there’s just less travel involved before we begin talking.
We might be looking at who keeps the house and whether that person can actually refinance it. Another session could turn on a pension statement that nobody has read closely enough. Parenting conversations can get surprisingly detailed. School nights sound easy until somebody moves, one parent works late, and a twenty-minute pickup becomes forty in February.
For these complicated conversations, it can be really helpful to have documents on screen when we start chatting. Pull up the mortgage balance. Look at the pension figure. Put the school calendar beside the proposed parenting plan and see if it survives contact with real life.
A video conferencing approach doesn’t change New York’s rules on equitable distribution, support, or custody. It changes the working setup. For the right couple, that setup is very practical. We can cover the same settlement subjects we would handle in person, and couples can move from those discussions into a formal agreement once terms are settled.
Why Might Couples Choose Me as Their Virtual Mediator?
Couples tend to tell me about a lot of different reasons why they ended up choosing me as their virtual divorce mediator, but my background regularly comes into the discussion. Being a family lawyer with more than two decades of experience generally does help a lot with mediation, particularly when couples need objective guidance from someone who understands how the courts really work.
I was admitted to the New York Bar in 1999, started working more heavily in family law through the Suffolk County Assigned Counsel Panel in 2004 for a number of years, and then I began focusing on my own private divorce, matrimonial and family law cases. I added mediation to my practice in 2012. I also trained with the Center for Mediation and Training in New York City, and continue working on my mediation skills today. It’s my background and wider knowledge that gives me a decent sense of where divorce agreements get sloppy, where people make assumptions they’ll regret later, and which issues deserve more attention than they’re getting.
When I’m mediating, though, I’m not either spouse’s attorney. I don’t pull one person aside and start building a legal strategy for them. If someone needs individual advice, I want them to have their own review lawyer. After all, once one person thinks the mediator is leaning toward the other side, the whole thing gets harder.
What I do bring into the room is a lawyer’s eye for consequences. If someone wants to keep the house, I’m thinking about refinancing and carrying costs. If somebody wants to trade retirement money for equity, I want everyone to understand what those assets actually do for them later.
What Does a Mediation Session With Me Look Like?
I believe divorce mediation should be flexible, to an extent. There are rules we always need to follow, of course, but every person has different priorities and needs. Some couples arrive with one issue swallowing everything else. Others have six smaller problems tangled together. I’d rather work with what’s actually in front of me than force people through a fixed agenda.
A lot of my job is asking the question behind the question. Someone says, “I need the house.” I want to know why. Maybe it’s about keeping the kids in the same school. Maybe it’s about fear of starting over somewhere else. Once that comes out, there are usually more ways to solve the problem.
I’ll also give legal context when both spouses want it. I’ve spent years litigating family-law cases, so I can explain how New York courts commonly look at an issue and where the answer gets murky. I’m careful with that, of course, since I’m still the mediator, and neither spouse is my client.
I also don’t think every tense moment means it’s time for a breakout room. I generally prefer joint discussion because too many private conversations can make both sides suspicious. If someone needs a few minutes or wants to test a possible proposal privately, that can be useful. I just want everybody to understand how those conversations will work before we start having them.
Money can make things complicated, too. If we need a business valuation, mortgage input, or help working through retirement assets, I’m comfortable bringing in another professional. A neutral financial specialist can be useful when budgets or disclosures start getting complicated. Both spouses work from the same figures, and the specialist handles the part that actually requires financial expertise.
What Happens After You Reach an Agreement?
Reaching agreement in mediation gets you a long way, but somebody still has to put the deal on paper properly. Because I’m an attorney as well as a mediator, I often serve as the neutral drafting attorney for couples I’ve mediated. I take what we settled and put it into a formal document that says, as clearly as possible, what both people actually agreed to.
The neutrality line stays in place. I can’t mediate the case and then become one spouse’s personal review lawyer. I recommend that each person consider having an independent attorney read the agreement before signing it. Sometimes that review is fairly brief. In a more complicated case, it can catch wording that deserves another look.
After the agreement is finalized, my office can help with the uncontested-divorce side of the case where appropriate. That can save the couple from starting over with an entirely new process, but my role still has to stay clear. I’m not switching sides or becoming one person’s lawyer halfway through.
Is Virtual Mediation Right for You?
I don’t expect people getting divorced to be especially friendly. A lot of couples arrive annoyed, worn out, and pretty sure the other person is making things harder than they need to be. That’s workable. What isn’t workable is dishonesty or a refusal to take part in the process seriously.
The harder line is safety and control. Divorce mediation isn’t appropriate where domestic violence, drug or alcohol abuse, or child abuse or neglect is present. The Fifth Judicial District, which includes Herkimer County, also screens custody and visitation matters for domestic violence and orders of protection before referral.
Virtual mediation adds another question: can both people actually participate properly from home? I want each spouse somewhere private, with a connection good enough to review documents and talk without constantly dropping out. I also don’t want someone’s brother, new partner, or parent sitting just outside the camera giving instructions.
If you’re unsure, the joint consultation my office offers is useful precisely because we can talk through those concerns before anybody commits to the process. You can get in touch today to arrange your free initial consultation for up to thirty minutes.